It's Not a Gas

   American democracy is going to hell in a clutch-purse yet our interest lies in the code name for the FBI’s investigations into certain foreign power’s attempts to influence our election. With a prescient eye to the storm to come some wag at the Bureau entitled the operation Crossfire Hurricane, a nod, as anyone older than 12 knows, to the Stone’s crucible song Jumpin’ Jack Flash.  FBI policy suggests - but does not require - that codenames come from a randomly generated list. But clearly, someone foresaw this was not going to be a quiet, run-of-the-mill operation but, indeed, a stormy – pun intended – one. And, BTW, there's another eerily portentous line in that song that is well applicable to the target of said investigation… something to do with being schooled in a hard way.

Be Best, Think Different

The low hanging fruit is to take pot shots at FLOTUS’s first initiative and while derivative to be sure, the name Be Best is exceptionally strong. Grammarians will take issue, maybe rightly so given the target audience, but that’s just the point; the target audience will identify with it. It is traditionally aspirational yet rendered in contemporarily rebellious construction. It is at once a goal, an encouragement and an admonition.

The Dengue Diner

   The adage the all publicity is good publicity has always been suspect to this writer, but there are so many examples these days, that I may no longer be one of the few to feel this way. 

   Creating a provocative brand name for the purpose of generating the level of awareness that only press coverage can deliver can be a legitimate strategy – see Soylant, but there can be long term consequences. It remains to be seen where the Asian restaurant chain Yellow Fever (both a disease and slang for sexual preferences) will end up. They made the cover of the Times to be sure but despite the owner’s rationale, it was not favorable. The bigger question is what was Whole Foods thinking when they signed up for an onsite retail partnership?  A few freestanding shops in strip malls for Yellow Fever is one thing but aligning with what is a questionable if not downright offensive name seems to be a question WF didn’t bother to ask.

   If they are successful, will the spin-off, Ben’s Botulism Burgers, be far behind?

TED should be TWED

   These are fascinating talks to be sure but there is a certain irony to the whole affair.  Maybe TED no longer means Technology, Entertainment and Design.  Maybe like IBM, it is just TED. But if TED is still an acronym, it needs, well need may be too strong, but it should be updated to TWED. The talks cover a range of topics but not too much on what is maybe the most powerful topic of all, the Words. Presenters speak to the power of technology, entertainment and design but the real power, the real force, the real launch pad for TED are the words themselves. The speakers have bona fides, they have stage presence but what gets them selected, what allows them to engage their audience is the power of their words. I’d argue it is words and language that not only are the building blocks for technology, entertainment and design, but are the very engine that drives them.  So as awkward as it sounds, let the next talk be a TWED talk.

Garbage Patch Kids Part 2

   We reached out to the folks behind the Great Pacific Garbage Patch report and shared our opinion about the name.  Amazingly they responded - who does that anymore? - and politely informed us that the term was created and accepted by the scientific community.  I wrote back and opined that, from a marketer’s perspective, the scientific community is not the audience – Joe Doaks is the audience and calling it a “Patch” is not going to give him even the slightest pause in altering his behavior. And, for good measure, I added that defining this as a marketing problem instead of a scientific one dramatically increases the chances for a solution.  No response to that, quelle surprise!

   But you don’t have to be a tree hugger to maybe use one less plastic bag if you are now aware of the Horrific Pacific Garbage Disaster.  Am I right?

Garbage Patch Kids

The journal Scientific Reports reported this month that the circulating trash dump in the Pacific Ocean known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is four to 16 times bigger than previously thought. It contains an estimated 1.8 trillion pieces of rubbish and covers an area four times the size of California. Given this is a very real, very tangible example of the existential threat of climate change, pollution, and human’s treating the planet like a dump, it deserves a rebrand. “Patch” simply doesn’t convey the enormity of the problem, indeed, it downplays it.  Patches are small, they cover little holes or tears. This dump is anything but that.  It is doubtful this “product” has a brand manager, but if it does, introduce us and we will brand this monstrosity with a moniker guaranteed to get folks to sit up and notice.

A Bomb by Any Another Name Still is a Bomb

In yet another sign of the times, Russia announced that it created set of nukes that can evade detection and the world yawned. If anything signaled the new normal it was this. The red menace announcing what amounts to a threat of nuclear war and we are more mesmerized by Donald’s tweets and Stormy’s twerks. But buried in this story of impending Armageddon was a contest to name these bombs. Yes, that’s right, Vladimir Putin has asked his citizens to create a name for these stealth nukes. You can’t make this stuff up.

My Name is Better Than Your Name

Two of the most powerful nations on earth are in a spat over street names. With a poke in the eye to the Russians, the Washington DC City Council has renamed the block on Wisconsin Ave. where the Russian Embassy sits after a murdered Kremlin critic, Boris Nemtsov. Russia, going one better is proposing to rename the street where the US embassy sits in Moscow to 1 North American Dead End. Well, given that they are military powers, economic powers, climate change powers, nuclear powers, we’ll take that spat every time. Even if Russia’s street name is better.

Chock Full of the Wrong Brand Name

Brand equity cuts both ways. Sometimes it’s good, say Apple, and sometimes less so, say Enron.  Take the coffee brand, Chock Full of Nuts. For most east of the Mississippi of a certain age they know this is a coffee brand.  It wasn’t always that way. Originally Chock Full of Nuts was in the, take a wild guess, nut business. For whatever reason they got out of nuts and into coffee but stuck with the brand name. Maybe the CEO created it. Maybe the finance person said it will cost money to change it. Maybe a marketing genius said we have brand equity in the name; people know us, we’d have to start from scratch if we changed the brand name.  All of this is true, but that doesn’t make it right.  Chock Full of Nuts has to overcome this brand equity with every new prospect. They do it on their label, in their advertising, in their sales collateral.  A name won’t make or break a great product or business model but putting a giant question mark between you and your consumer doesn’t make things easier.  When your mission or value prop is masked, obfuscated, and hidden by your name, it is time for a new one.  Creating new brand equity is quicker, better, cheaper than changing it.

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Rocket

We are currently watching the countdown to the launch of the Falcon Heavy rocket from Elon Musk’s Space X. Uppercase is not a big fan of either of the names Space X or Falcon. A boring and pedestrian set of brand names by any measure, but especially so given the audaciousness of what they represent.

But the “Heavy” moniker is simply way cool. Anybody can launch a kite or paper airplane or a hot-air balloon but launching something heavy is a true feat. Indeed, it is heavy. Go Elon!

Name the Next Generation

It must have been a slow news day when the Times issued a call to those born after 1995 asking them to create a name for their cohort. Though the “Greatest Generation” will be hard to beat and “Baby Boomers” will be tough to match, “GenX,” “Slackers,” and “Millennials” are not very high bars. Here’s our submissions to christen the group ages 22 and younger:

“Good Luck, You’ll Need It”

“Your Boss the Robot”

“Using Social Media, But All Alone”

“Last Gen to see a Polar Bear in the Wild”

“Coders & Everyone Else”

“Why Donald? Dear God, Why?”

“Thanks for Nothing”

“Can’t Write a Sentence, Can Write Code”

“The Tuckits”

“The Sea Wall Builders”

“Shoulda Bought Bitcoin”

“Glad I Didn’t Buy Bitcoin”

“My Grandkids Will Live on Mars, Thanks Secretaries Perry, Zinke and Pruitt”

“Thanks Elon for Getting My Grandkids to Mars”

A Likelihood of Confusion?

On January 10, an organization nonpareil, the US Army, filed notice with the USPTO against the new (and winning) Vegas Golden Knights hockey team asking the board to refuse to register the franchise's mark, the “Golden Knights.” The Army bases the request on, among other things, the classic legal concept of “likelihood of confusion." This concept holds that a reasonable person is likely to be confused between the two products the trademarks represent and therefore the less established (newer) mark should be denied registration. Which in this case is a professional hockey team in sin city versus the US Army’s Golden Knights parachute team.

We’ll leave that quarrel for the lawyers to argue but as Uppercase wrote in 2016, the compelling issue with the Golden Knights name is the money the owners have left on the table by not pursuing a cool, contemporary, and evocative moniker with long term branding legs. $30.00 tee shirts and $130.00 jerseys emblazoned with an inspiring name to encourage a rabidly loyal fan base is the easy revenue stream.

The “Vegas Ace’s” is the obvious choice but something nonsensical say, the “Cactus Boulders,” or descriptively evocative such as “The Dry Heat” would have broader, not to mention more buzz-worthy, appeal.

Pivoting on a Bit

How important is your brand name? Well, a lot of folks in the cryptocurrency space think it is mission critical. The New York Times featured a cheeky tongue-in-cheek piece on a number of companies who were failing in their original model but with a new name and quick pivot have joined the ranks of those seeking redemption and riches in ersatz currency.

A beverage maker is drinking the blockchain Kool Aid. A vaping company blew off steam, a pharma company unhooked itself from drugs, an apparel company disrobed, a gold company reburnished, and a cigar company stopped smoking (and maybe started blowing smoke) as they all changed their names to support their new mission. There is some sense to this. They are smart enough people to have started a business and stewarded it to some degree of success. They have a team and assets and imagination and, finally and most importantly, the perspicacity to telegraph their new direction with a descriptive name.

But, at the same time, when companies formally engaged in yoga pants design and making Macanudos enter the realm of currency creation, can a popped bubble be far behind?

Hear The One About the Newest Ginormous SUV Brand? The "Allaboutme"

A recent article in the Atlantic covered a pair of researchers who claim that the growth in SUV sales is an indicator of increased fear and isolationism among a certain group of the population.  Since SUV’s are big, tall, powerful, heavy, and intimidating they suggest that they can be used as a measure of tribal protectionism. Further buttressing their argument, the researchers point to the names of these behemoths as appealing to and reinforcing this isolationist tendency, e.g. Outlander, Pathfinder, Crossfire. Now a relation does not a correlation make, but there is no doubt that the imagery evoked by these names, including Santa Fe, Yukon, Tahoe, Land Rover, Range Rover, and our personal favorite, Enclave, is meant to appeal to the rugged individualism nascent in every urban driver.

If the researchers could point to SUV names like Stay-Away or Backoff, or GunAboard, they’d have a stronger argument.

Sometimes A Good Business Model Can Overcome a Bad Name. But Don't Count on it.

Adding the prefix ‘black’ to any word or phrase is a decidedly mixed bag. Black Monday is when markets melt and so for that matter is Black Tuesday. Yet black is also sublime, classy, elegant like the simple black dress or a black limo. But Black Friday?

According to some word nerds, the term was first coined by law enforcement to describe the craziness of the biggest shopping day of the year.  Over time it settled in and despite some attempts to change the name or give it a new meaning, e.g. the day retailers’ balance sheet went from red to black, (apparently an urban myth) we’re stuck with Black Friday.

But better than say, chartreuse Friday.

The BRANDER-IN-CHIEF NAMES A BILL ACT

Vanity Fair just published a piece detailing Paul Ryan’s request of the Brander-in-Chief to name the tax bill. Given POTUS’s predilection to brand everything from hotels to steak with his own moniker, it’s a little surprising that his adamant recommendation is The “Cut Cut Cut Act.” Given the likelihood of its failure, maybe not calling it the Trump Tax Act is prescient.  Here’s some of our suggestions:

  • The “On second thought, I really wish I wouldn’t have won this thing act.”
  • The “If the Russians helped Hillary I wouldn’t be in this mess act.”
  • The “Extra special tax break for Special Prosecutors if they’d leave me alone act”
  • The “How pissed will Ivanka be if I fire Jared act?”
  • The “Aliens from Mars just landed in the Arizona desert and this is not an obvious attempt at distraction act.”
  • The “Let them eat Trump branded cake act.”
  • The “Worst 12 months of my life, well except for that time with Marla act.”
  • The “No tax for the rest of your life if you can find dirt on Mueller act.”
  • The “Who knew uranium could be so complicated act?”
  • The “Hillary and Canada there is something there, sad act.”

McDonald's is Not a Kroc

We finally found the time to watch “The Founder” with Michael Keaton reprising his “Pacific Heights” role as McDonald’s putative founder, Ray Kroc.  A terrific movie and two scenes stand out for us name dweebs.  The first shows Keaton as Kroc explaining to the McDonald brothers that what they “never understood” was the power of their brand name. Keaton explains that it was never about the food, the experience or the efficiency it was the name, it was just so all American, so filled with promise. Second, over the closing credits, we see a grainy black and white clip of the real Ray Kroc recalling the real deal, “McDonalds, it’s a typical English-American word. It flows, I like the sound of it. It sounded wholesome, it sounded genuine. I don’t like these gimmicky type names; burger this and burger that names. McDonald’s, it’s gotta nice sounding name to it.”

We agree.

Stampeded by an Extraordinary Name

The world’s largest living things are being threatened by the tip toes of tiny human feet. The New York Times reported recently that the heretofore secret location of a grove of some of the biggest trees known to man has been exposed by sleuthing amateur arborists. Tree lovers can love these trees to death by simply walking upon their shallow and delicate root system. Since it can’t unring this bell, the state is installing a boardwalk so strollers can admire without trampling.

A spokesperson for project attributed much of the interest in the grove to its name, “The Grove of Titans.”  “Who can resist?”, she said. 

We would have loved the assignment: Create a name to keep people away.

NAMER-IN-CHIEF GETS TRUMPED

Replacing the existential threat with gallows humor for a moment, the DPRK has won the war of wits with POTUS. Let’s face it, “RocketMan” is nothing but a complement. It suggests rocket scientist and through that anything associated with rockets is generally good, right? Rockets are advanced, technical, fast, cool, and generally capture the public’s imagination. Heck even songs get written about them. The obvious, and more withering, sobriquet would have been “RocketBoy.”  But, I for one am glad that label didn’t get used.

Kim Jung Un's riposte, “Dotard” was undeniably brilliant. Even if you don’t know what it means it looks and sounds like an insult. And because most don’t know what it means, like all great names, it sparked curiosity.

But what is one to expect in a battle of names between “POTUS” and “Supreme Leader?”